


Gone

by sometimes_i_am_lola



Series: Wildfire [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Infidelity, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Not Beta Read, Pseudo-Incest, The Author Regrets Nothing, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:35:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18414479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sometimes_i_am_lola/pseuds/sometimes_i_am_lola
Summary: Vanya's point of view of the events in I hate u, I love u. Diego finds his way back to Vanya after a decade and Vanya finds that everything she's wanted has been much closer than she realized this whole time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who enjoyed I hate u, I love u. The song I listened to while writing this is Gone by Bebe Rexha in case anyone wants to check it out for themselves. I hope everyone enjoys this one as much as the previous story.

 

**_Numb me down to the core, ‘cause love don't live here anymore,_ **

**_And we fought hard but we lost the war, without you, what am I living for?_ **

**_And I know I can't take back all the things I did, but if I had one wish, I would wish for one more chance,_ **

**_Somewhere our fear took all control, that's when I turned cold, won't you give me one more chance?_ **

**_‘Cause I'm a lost river that'll never reach the sea, when you're not here with me, when you're gone_ **

**_I'm sick to my bones, I don't feel natural, without you I'm not whole, when you're gone_ **

 

Vanya goes through her routine. She sticks to her routine as best as she can. It’s a simple enough routine, involving taking her meds daily, giving music lessons, going to orchestra practice, things like that. Despite her medication helping to keep her in a state of numbness, her sleep is often plagued with memories and wishes. Every time she thinks she catches a glimpse of a familiar figure across the street or turning a corner just before she reaches it, the dreams and restlessness gets worse.

 

She’ll catch sight of a tense pair of shoulders hunched angrily when she turns around due to the feeling of eyes watching her. She knows that it’s wishful thinking or something like that. After all, the city has no shortage of angry people that wear all black. She just likes to hope. But, it’s dangerous to hope when she’s the one that insisted and demanded and forced that things end and change. That things be different. She never even gave him the chance to change her mind or be a part of the decision. She just made up her mind and went ahead with it. For the best.

 

And she hates that she made someone else’s decision for them because she thought she knew best. It’s too much like her father who she escaped the first chance she got. Quickly realizing that her father would never love her, much less love her as much as she loves him, still, after everything he’s done, she’d escaped from her childhood home and tried to separate herself from everything Hargreeves. Until she wrote her book that is.

 

But, she’d needed that. It was cathartic and healing to let the world know that life in The Umbrella Academy was anything but perfect. And she knew that if she didn’t leave, Diego wouldn’t. And if she gave Diego the option, let him know how much she loves him, that he’d make her stay. And she couldn’t have her choices stripped from her like that, no matter the intentions. She couldn’t let Diego stay in a place where he was considered second rate, not quite the best no matter how good he is. Vanya needed him to get out in the world and see that he has so much more to offer than being not quite good enough, not Number One. Though, why anyone would want to be Number One escapes her continuously. Maybe it’s skewed perspective. Maybe no one else saw that Luther’s life wasn’t exactly perfect. That he couldn’t meet their father’s increasingly hard demands either. But Luther tried.

 

All of them tried. She just quit trying first.

 

Making it to practice with barely a second to spare, she sits in her chair in the back row, thankful that she’s not close to the front right now. She’d love to be first chair at some point but today isn’t that day. Today, she wants to blend in and hide. She can’t stop thinking about how her window had been closed when she’d left it open the previous night. Or that her violin had a finger smudge on its shiny wood frame. Someone had been in her apartment and touched her violin, the most valuable thing she owns, yet left it exactly as it was.

 

And, it’s not the first time that she’s noticed something like that. Doors locked when she hadn’t locked them, her blanket pulled back over her when she knows she’d kicked it off in a moment of restlessness. Simple things.

 

As the song draws to a close, the house lights come on and she opens her eyes, her gaze drawn to the second balcony from the stage. She thinks she catches a hint of movement but it’s too dark and too far away for her to be sure. Her heart hurts and she knows she’s wishing she’d caught a glimpse of Diego. As if he’d be there.

 

So much wasted potential, she thinks, so much wasted time. Their friendship lasted longer than anything else between them. She’d introduced him to grunge bands in dirty bars and he’d showed her how to stake out bad guys. They’d had plenty of fun, nights filled with laughter that no one else knew about. Almost touches and almost kisses and too long stares. Too much and not enough.

 

But, their house was never meant for laughter and joy, she should’ve never forgotten that. She’d been so sure that Five would come home. That he’d find his way back to them. Then Ben had died. She’d become friends with Diego and he’d helped ease the sadness and fear but only for a while. Until she’d felt sad for him, scared for him.

 

Packing up her case at the end of practice, Vanya makes her way back to her apartment, trying to ignore the constant loneliness that’s creeping back in. Sometimes, she can push it away for a little while but it always comes back, her only constant companion throughout her whole life. She doubts that they even noticed she was gone for a while. Then, they probably didn’t care all that much. Just brushed it aside since she didn’t matter in the bigger picture. She isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.

 

Shoving those thoughts away, she gets to her apartment and puts her stuff away quickly before making herself something to eat and taking her pills. Twice a day, every day.

 

A little more numbness slips back in and she lays on her couch with a book, putting Diego to the back of her mind where he stays throughout every day and probably for the rest of her life.

 

**_2x7_ **


	2. Chapter 2

 

**_Drove to your house in the night, couldn't sleep 'til I made it right,_ **

**_I'm sorry for all the pain, for lovin' you in vain,_ **

**_And I know I can't take back all the things I did, but if I had one wish, I would wish for one more chance,_ **

**_‘Cause I'm a lost river that'll never reach the sea, when you're not here with me, when you're gone,_ **

**_I'm sick to my bones, I don't feel natural, Without you I'm not whole, when you're gone,_ **

 

Pacing along her bedroom floor, Vanya holds the cordless phone to her ear as she listens to Klaus talk. She doesn’t mind when he calls her in the middle of the night just to ramble because it gives her a reprieve from restless dreams of the past and what could have been. She knows that it gives Klaus a reprieve from the ghosts that the heroin and pills don’t take away. Ben’s the only one that stays through it all and she’s not sure if Klaus remembers telling her that. She doesn’t bring it up, just lets him respond to whatever Ben says as if nothing is happening.

 

Klaus is the only one she even made mention of Diego to and she’s not sure if he remembers that, either. Ben probably does, if he was around to hear of it, but Ben isn’t the type to say anything about it. He always let others choose what to talk about and when, not forcing himself into private thoughts and secrets.

 

The cold from outside has completely permeated her apartment, much as it always does. Instead of getting a blanket or socks, Vanya lets it numb her fingers and toes as she wraps one arm around her middle, the other held tightly to her body as her hand holds the phone to her ear. She keeps the lights off since her apartment is bare enough that she knows there’s no risk of tripping over anything as she moves.

 

A noise draws her attention and she quits listening to Klaus as she freezes in her steps. She turns and hears a board in her hall creak. Not loud enough for anyone else to notice but enough for her since she knows her apartment so well. She rushes up the hall and sees that her window is open.

 

Ignoring the fact that it’s the early morning hours and she’s only wearing a long t-shirt, she climbs out onto the fire escape, ignoring the chilled burn of the metal under her feet as she glances at the street and the alleyway. Her hair blows into her face, obstructing her view and she pushes it back impatiently, her other hand still holding the phone to her ear and she can hear Klaus calling her name repeatedly. She keeps looking into the shadows, hoping to catch a glimpse of silver or the flash of something too black to be a shadow as it moves but she sees nothing.

 

After a moment, she tells Klaus that everything is fine, she just thought she’d heard something. She waits another moment, hoping something will move. Nothing does so she climbs back in to her apartment and closes and locks the window.

 

Vanya talks to Klaus a bit longer before telling him that she needs to get some sleep so that she won’t miss practice later and he tells her goodnight.

 

Practice that afternoon doesn’t go as smoothly as she would hope but it goes. Her mind is stuck on who was in her apartment last night and she can’t help but think of how foolish she was to follow an intruder to the fire escape. If there was an intruder. That could’ve been her imagination.

 

Except, the window had been open.

 

Leaving practice, she’s walking down the sidewalk when she spots a glimpse of a television in a window and stops to see the breaking news. Reginald Hargreeves has passed away. Her body fills with a numb type of sadness and it starts to rain. She takes her time getting to her apartment as the icy cut of rain pelts her skin. It’s a sharp contrast to her hot tears that she’s ashamed to cry over a man that only ever treated her as a burden and a disappointment.

 

Diego and the intruder are pushed from her mind as she grieves over her father.

 

That night, her sleep is more restless than usual and she only gets a few minutes here and there as she tosses and turns, her pillow wet from tears.

 

Nothing helps her sleep and she drinks a whole pot of coffee the next morning to try to at least make through whatever Pogo and Mom have planned.

 

Vanya dresses carefully in black, fitted slacks, a gray button down, and a black, fitted blazer with black, hemlock ankle booties. She brushes her hair out, letting the natural waves give it some volume, and applies a very small amount of make-up to cover up her sleepless night.

 

Pulling on her black overcoat and striped scarf, she calls a cab and waits outside for it to take her to The Academy.

 

**_2x7_ **


	3. Chapter 3

 

**_So I'll leave the night light on, in hopes that you will find your way, and make it safely home,_ **

**_And in the eye of the storm, our love will be the only thing, that keeps us holding on,_ **

**_‘Cause I'm a lost river that'll never reach the sea, when you're not here with me, when you're gone,_ **

**_I'm sick to my bones, I don't feel natural, without you I'm not whole, when you're gone_ **

 

Hugging Allison feels strange, in all honesty. She’s not even sure why Allison hugs her. They’ve never been all that close, but they haven’t spoken at all in the past ten years. As she’s pulling away she sees Diego with a woman she remembers being named Eudora. She recalls meeting her a few years ago by accident. She’d just happened to be walking down the same street as Diego and Eudora, headed in opposite directions when their paths crossed. The woman is nice enough but Vanya’s surprised that Diego brought her to the house. It’s not like the place has anything good to share. Honestly, if she really liked someone, she’d keep them as far away from this place as she could.

 

When Diego says that she doesn’t belong there she can feel a sharp pain in her chest. He’s angry with her and it hurts. Eudora looks uncomfortable until Allison and Klaus get her talking about her work and shallow personal information. They’re the best two for the job.

 

After a while, Diego hasn’t come back and Vanya finds herself worried about him. She slips away and walks through the old familiar hallways and finds him in his old room. It surprises her that he would even come here. She doesn’t think there’s anything about this place that he’d want to remember or anything special that he’d left behind.

 

She raps on the doorframe carefully and waits for him to turn around before speaking. “You okay?”

 

Slipping into the room, she partially closes the door, giving him a chance to accept or reject her invitation to talk. She’s not even sure why she thinks he’d want to talk to her except that they used to be close. Once upon a time.

 

 “Why are you here?” Diego asks her and if it weren’t for his words she’d relish the fact that he’s talking to her at all. She’s missed him so much.

 

“It’s his funeral, Go.” She’s hoping that the old, hated yet loved nickname will soften him towards her but his eyes narrow instead.

 

“And?” Diego crowds her but she knows he’s only doing it to make her turn tail and run. He’s always liked pushing people until they snap or leave. “I was pretty sure you didn’t care.”

 

His body presses to hers but she doesn’t give an inch, despite her heart thumping rapidly in fear and nervousness. She’s never been scared of Diego, only of what he can make her feel. How much he can make something hurt while being worth it. He’d once told her that nothing is worth it unless it makes you bleed a little, physically or emotionally. Vanya raises her chin and stares into his eyes. It’s an awkward angle but she makes it work.

 

“Just because he didn’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t. He was still my father, as much as I hate to say it.” Her voice is low and it pains her to say it. She doesn’t want to admit to loving Sir Reginald. To caring about him despite his treatment of her, of all of them.

 

“Why can you love him and not me?” She’s startled into moving. That’s not what she expected to come from him. He keeps his anger so close, always has. She never expected him to be so desperate in seeking an answer and she never expected to hear that kind of need from him in relation to her. She knows that he loved her at one point but she figured he was long over it. He’s with Eudora, after all, and has been for a while as far as she can tell.

 

Diego reaches out and grabs her, pulling her to a stop only a few inches from him. Her step back had been a very small step.

 

“Tell me.”

 

She doesn’t want to voice this. Today is filled with too much hurt for her to bear anymore. But she knows that if she walks away now that she may never get another chance. Diego will close himself off even further. And somehow, somehow, she knows that the intruder is him. The person to touch her violin and cover her up with a blanket is him. She doesn’t know how she’s so certain but she is.

 

And if she doesn’t talk now, that will end. Diego will be done with her for good. Forever.

 

“I’ve always loved you.” She tells him finally. He should know this and she doesn’t know, doesn’t understand how he can’t. “Always, Diego. But neither of us could be trapped in this house and that’s exactly what would have happened. You would’ve wanted me to stay to protect me and I would have. And I couldn’t.”

 

“I would’ve gone with you.” His words are desperate and filled with conviction but she knows the truth.

 

“No. You wouldn’t have. You only left because there was nothing here for you anymore. And you needed out just as much as I did.”

 

A tear slips down her cheek and Diego catches it on his thumb, wiping it away as he cups her jaw. She needs him to know that she didn’t want to hurt him and she doesn’t know how to voice that. He moves closer and she sucks in a breath as his hand slides from her bicep and up into her hair, cupping the back of her head as his fingers lightly tug her hair.

 

“Don’t.” She doesn’t know if she’s saying don’t do this or don’t stop. She has no idea what she means but she knows what she wants.

 

He presses his forehead with her and she doesn’t know if she’s disappointed or relieved. She does know that it’s difficult to be this close to him again after so long. She releases her breath shakily, hoping he doesn’t notice. Her eyes close of their own accord as she relishes the feel of him against her, in front of her, holding her. She lifts her hands and grips his forearms to keep herself from falling to the floor as her knees weaken. She thinks about using her hold as leverage to bring them that last little bit closer but she can’t do it. She needs to stop this before someone gets hurt.

 

“Do you remember the last time we were in here together?” Diego asks her and she does. The want that flares in her steals her air as her eyes move from the desk to the bed and back again. Her fingers clench against him as she remembers how he’d pressed her into the desk with dark eyes and lips pressed into a firm line. She’d thought he was angry until the corner of his lip tilted up and he’d pressed his mouth to hers. She’d gasped for air after he kissed her breathless, picking her up to sit her on the desk.

 

Vanya releases her grip as her cheeks flame with heat and she hopes he didn’t notice but she knows he did. He always notices.

 

“We shouldn’t be here.” She tells him instead and his eyes fly open as he pulls back. Her eyes dart around the room again and she tries not to remember how he’d held her so close in that bed, nearly every inch of their bodies touching as they wrapped around each other for the first and last time.

 

Suddenly, she’s pulled from the bittersweet memory as she’s turned in such a familiar way, her butt hitting the edge of the desk, and she vaguely wonders if she’s going to have a bruise. She grips the edge as Diego presses into her space, her back bending as she tries not to fall backwards or give in and touch him.

 

His large and calloused hands press against the surface of the desk by her hips and she feels trapped, caged in. And she likes the feeling of someone else taking control. She turns her head and counts to ten, trying to breath. To catch any kind of air at all in her lungs as she feels the space around her filling and getting smaller by the second.

 

“Van-ya.” She wants to hit him and kiss him for using that tone. Her head whips back and her eyes flash to his. But she doesn’t have the time to say anything as his lips meet hers roughly. Her brain scrambles at the sensation. His hands stay on the desk but the rest of his body is pressed to hers all the way down she keeps her grip and presses back against his kiss, letting that constant loneliness start to seep away.

 

He must hear the footsteps at the same time as she does because they both turn towards the now open door. Her cheeks flame once again as she sees Luther, Allison, Klaus, and Five? Standing at the door. Realizing that Eudora is missing, Vanya hears the front door slam and pushes Diego away as she slips from between him and the desk and escapes.

 

Vanya pushes past her siblings and runs down the hallway and through the house until she gets to her dad’s study. She’s suddenly stopped by her body colliding with another and her and Five go tumbling to the ground. Her embarrassment is stronger than her surprise, though, and she quickly shoves up and away.

 

“Don’t worry. Klaus is distracting Luther and Allison.” Five tells her and Vanya can’t help but laugh.

 

Then, she’s throwing her arms around her long-lost brother and squeezing tightly, hoping he doesn’t disappear from her arms. She can feel the tears slipping down her cheeks from an overload of sensation and information. She’s overwhelmed with everything. Her dad’s death, Diego, Five’s return, everyone finding out about Diego. It’s all too much at once.

 

“I, uh, I have to go home.” She tells Five as she grabs some tissues off of her dad’s desk and wipes her face carefully, not wanting her mascara to smear and give her the appearance of a deranged raccoon.

 

Apparently, she doesn’t do so well because Five pops away and pops back, a damp linen handkerchief in his hand. He moves forward and slowly helps to fix her smeared makeup before throwing the cloth on Sir Reginald’s desk, heedless of what it falls on.

 

“I’ll walk with you to get a cab.” Five tells her. He knows he won’t want to make the call from the house and then have to wait.

 

They leave the house together and head for the payphone on the corner.

 

Just as her hand grabs the door of the booth to open it, an arm reaches out and a hand grabs her bicep, spinning her around. She barely catches the grin on Five’s face and the steely look of determination on Diego’s before his arm is around her lower back like a steel bar and his other hand is gripping her face as his mouth presses to hers.

 

Her eyes are closed but she catches a flash of light that lets her know that Five disappeared and she can’t help but smile against Diego’s lips.

 

There’s a lot of ground to cover, a lot that has happened over the past decade, and they’ll have to talk about it. They’ll have to deal with Luther and Allison, maybe Mom and Pogo, too. Klaus probably won’t care and Five obviously doesn’t, either. But she pushes all of that away in favor of sinking into the feeling of Diego pressed against her, his mouth on hers, after so long apart.

 

And for the moment, all feels right. The numbness fades as does the sadness and fear. Her loneliness seeps away under the press of another warm body against hers as they stand on the street corner near the Academy and the drizzle eases and the clouds part as sunlight starts to stream down from above.

 

**_2x7_ **


End file.
